A pretty shitty year
So it’s been almost a year since my last post. A year. Some people think that not a whole lot can happen in just 365 days. Others say only 365 days is enough to change the course of your entire life. And what causes those changes can happen in just a split second. That’s it. In such a tiny amount of time, someone’s life can go from pretty good, to completely ass backwards and upside down. Well… I think that is what happened in my last year. But the difference for me was that it was a few different seconds that changed my life.
So after my last post, just before Thanksgiving, I had just moved out and was working on things with Joshua. Since then, things have gone from bad, to good, to worse, to fantastic, to cataclysmic. And now I’m in Limbo.
To start, Joshua and I were doing pretty well. Like I said we had hit a rough patch and we were working through it together. We had Thanksgiving together like every year; we had XMAS together like every year. And on top of that, during his breaks, he lived with me. He would come home to me first. Un-pack, most of the time we would just spend the first night cuddling together then go see his family the next day. And it was pretty fantastic. I couldn’t have asked for a better holiday break. We even got a dog together! We were going to get a dog from the humane society by our mall, but we had to get Z the cat checked up first since it’s the law that you can’t have multiple animals without having them caught up on rabies and other shots. So we took Z to the vet. We had mentioned something about getting a dog from the pound and all of a sudden she was super friendly and introduced us to Viggo. He was an all black Lab/ Boarder Collie/ German shepherd mix. He was gorgeous. And friendly! Oh my god he was so friendly. But he was really hyper. Josh fell in love instantly. I was a little more hesitant because I had my heart set on the dog from the pound but a small walk with him; we ended up taking Z AND Viggo home with us. He was a lot to handle for a few days. And mostly josh took care of him. But he was great. And just what I wanted in a dog. So Josh and I had our own family…sort of. Haha.
Then he left the day before my 21st birthday, as usual. L It was a good birthday. But I don’t think I have been able to spend a single birthday with him since we’ve been together. Well…that’s a lie. He did come down for my 19th birthday. He came down the day of and surprised me, stayed the night with me at my parents’ house, and then left the next night. He didn’t even go see his own family. But anyway. It was a good birthday. I got my Fluery hockey jersey! And I drank! Haha I got relatively drunk. Not awful puking my guts out drunk. But I had a nice buzz drunk going.
After that night things got in to a routine again. If I wasn’t at work, I was either at home with Viggo, the maniac dog, or I was out with Mercedes, the roommate (the only one I had after February since Tasha moved out), or I was out with my mom and her friends drinking. After a while though, at work people started asking me to hang out. One guy in particular, Jason. Jason was a coworker of mine in the security dept of Boscov’s. And he was a pretty good friend of mine. He was funny and really nice. We started just hanging out on our lunch breaks. Then we started hanging out outside of work at the Texas Roadhouse after work with others, or at Applebee’s. Then we started watching movies at my place. And then I was crying to him every time josh and I got in to a fight. As you can imagine, we became very close. Over the months he became my best friend. And I developed a little crush. Josh didn’t talk to me all that much, when we did talk things were just kind of boring and nothing seemed right. We fought a lot. It just never seemed like we were going to make it through to his graduation. And Jason was kind to me; he did anything to make me smile; he was my crying shoulder; he was sometimes a better friend than Mercedes since she was constantly telling me to leave Joshua and I didn’t want to hear it. Jason kind of kept his thoughts to himself for the most part.
But life went on. Jason was my best friend, Mercedes was my roommate, and Joshua was my absentee fiancé.
Once Tasha moved out, we had to rely on Joshua who started paying her portion of the rent. He helped me pay for Viggo’s food, since I was barely making enough to eat myself. He really helped a lot. So I guess I excused him for not being there emotionally it felt like.
Once April hit though, it was made painfully obvious that he was not completely there. He was getting shorter and shorter in his temper with me, he was not talking to me as much, we were arguing about everything. So I got it in to my head to snoop through his facebook page. I had his password, and I was constantly on it messing with little things like his info and the like. But this time I went in to his messages. You all know the saying “Eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves”? Yeah well, snoopers never find out anything good. I ended up finding out that he had become just as good of friends with a girl as I had with Jason. The only difference you may ask? Well, my fiancé had made out with her and stayed the night in her room.
Oh god, that was an awful week. I was ready to just jump off a bridge. It’s times like those that really make the pathetic come out of a person. I sat there all week and wanted to know what was so wrong with me that my FIANCE felt he needed to kiss another girl? Why was this happening to me again? Hadn’t I been through enough with this guy? Didn’t I deserve some sort of happiness with him? I LOVE him for crying out loud. I love him with every fiber of my being, every breath in my lungs, every beat of my absolutely shattered heart. And I still do. So we fought that week. We fought, and I cried, and he yelled, and I yelled, and he cried, and things were just bad. Really, really bad. Like, they had never ever been so god awful. But in the end, in the very end, we decided to keep going. To keep trying because, let’s face it, he made a mistake and so did I. We both wanted the other to be our forever.
So we moved on. And graduation came around and I went up with his mom and aunt. I stayed with him in his dorm that night. Then that day, we met up with his father and went. And my fiancé graduated in the top 10% of his graduating class. He finished a 4 year degree in 3 years. I was so proud I cried! After the ceremony we all went out to eat and drive home.
On the way home, Joshua and I were talking about life. And what we planned on doing, and things about our wedding and things wanted to do.
While we were talking about things we wanted to do, how Joshua wanted to be a teacher or so something along those lines, he asked me what it was I really wanted to do. Apparently I never spoke about criminal justice as passionately as he spoke about math and teaching. So he never really thought it was something I wanted to do. And it really got me thinking. Is it really something I want to do? I mean, I really think I’d do well. But is that going to be enough? Well that’s something I’m still thinking about. Over the summer I was looking in to going back to school for special education. But I don’t think that will be it either. I really have no clue what it is I want to do with my life. But as important as that is, it’s not a priority right now so I haven’t been worrying about it so much.
But a few weeks later, something happened that will change not only my life, but that of my entire family. My parents got in to a HUGE fight. And my mom, after years of being put through some pretty bad things, finally decided that it was time to end things with my dad. FINALLY! It’s only been 21 years in the making. But it is sad. And as much as I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m still having a lot of problems dealing with it. My parents have been together for 22+ years. For them to not be together anymore, it’s really hard. And I think that may have been part of my problem over the summer. One of the reasons things happened the way it did.
After a while of dealing with getting over the hurt of my parents splitting up and after dealing with my own relationship problems, I was still unconvinced. But I was still happy. Very extremely happy. I was finally putting wedding plans in to action. I took my mom to see the dress I wanted. I was looking in to real decorations. I started planning center pieces and trying to order flowers and everything. My mom was helping me, Mercedes was helping me, and even Joshua was helping me. I even took my family and looked in to a venue for the wedding ceremony. It was nice. But still not something I wanted.
Then, two days later, two days after being all wedding jittery, and only day after planning on going to a new club in Pittsburgh with Mercedes, Kevin, Larry, and Jason, I found it. I found the one thing I knew was out there but could never prove existed. I found a journal entry on Joshua’s computer. I was playing on it reading his poetry and looking through all the pictures he’s taken over the years. And all of a sudden, I found a file called Journal. And even though I knew I should wait and ask him if it was ok, I went through it. I mean, really. Joshua never had a problem with me reading his journal. When we were first dating he threw it at me and told me to read it and realize what I was getting myself in to. So I didn’t really see the problem. Except, there was a reason he had a journal on his computer and not in his usual book. That would be because he had journal entries about me. Things he couldn’t stand about me; things he hated about me; him trying to talk himself out of dumping me. And the worst of all, there was a journal entry about him sleeping with another girl when we were fighting 2 years before. I lost it. I was PISSED!
So the next night, when I was going to Club Whim with my friends, I decided that, you know what? If Joshua can do that, then there is no reason for me not to. If Joshua can break his promise to me, so can I. So I went out with the intention of being as slutty as possible, having a good time, maybe getting drunk, and hey, even trying to seduce Kevin in to bed with me (which never happened). I was trying to hurt Joshua as badly as he had hurt me.
I was having a blast! I was dancing with Mercedes, and dancing with guys who thought I was freaking hot! They didn’t think I needed to lose 10 lbs because my face was too chubby. They didn’t think I needed to lose anything. They just wanted to dance. And yeah, some of them wanted to get lucky. Some of them tried hard too. It was pretty funny. All in all it was a fantastic night. Then I noticed that Jason was not on the floor. He was outside on the club’s deck. So I went to talk to him. And he asked me how things were going. Then, he asked if he could do something. I was pretty sure I knew what he was going to do, because he just kept looking at me with this look in his eyes, like I was dessert or something. And it’s Jason, come on. That crush that I had? It never really went away. So I told him sure he could. And….he kissed me. And holy cow. It was new and pretty awesome. And then he did it again.
Unfortunately, I was so pissed off at Joshua still, that I didn’t bother to stop it. And the next night, when I saw my fiancé again, I decided to break up with him. I decided that, it was for the best. Obviously I didn’t love him anymore or I wouldn’t have let that happen. Obviously things weren’t working out because he had sex with someone else. So I decided to break up with Josh and see where things would go with Jason. Bad idea. For the next four months Joshua and I were on again, off again almost every week. He moved out 4 times. We became roommates once. We ended our engagement completely. He re-proposed. That ended. All the while, I never stopped hanging out with Jason. We had sex once together, we made out, and we stayed at the other’s place. It was a bad, bad, BAD situation. And just over three weeks ago, Joshua and I finally broke up for good.
He moved out, we stopped talking, he was pissed, I was pissed. It was just a really bad, and actually very sad, situation. On top of that, as much as I had a good time with Jason, and as strong as my feelings were for him, I realized that those feelings, were definitely not love. I felt only love as a friend toward Jason. I hurt him. I hurt Joshua. I hurt me. So I decided to “break up” with Jason. He was just not Joshua. He wasn’t the guy I love. As shitty as I was to Joshua, as much as I thought I wanted to be single and be free and not answer to anyone, I realized, I LOVE JOSHUA! I am so in love with this kid that it isn’t even funny. But now, he’s already gone. It’s only two weeks after a break up and I am finally realizing something that I should have realized months ago. I should have forgiven him and moved on with life. I should NEVER have let Jason kiss me again at the club. And I should have been a better person.
Well, I started talking to Joshua again. Against everyone’s advice. I was trying to get my friend back first. That wasn’t working. So a few days ago, I left a card on his car, a card that said how much I missed him, just much more eloquently than I could say it myself. That night I ended up going to his mom’s house where he was staying. I ended up pathetically pouring my heart out to him, telling him I was sorry, telling him how much I missed him, how I can’t be without him. I sat there on the floor in his bedroom, and cried and talked and explained, and sobbed.
When I was done talking, he just kind of sat there and looked at the floor and didn’t say anything for a while. So I took that as he didn’t want me there, that he had really made up his mind that he didn’t want me. So I got up to leave and as soon as I got up he grabbed me and sat me next to him on the bed. You know when you get jittery and your leg is shaking up and down? That’s what my legs were doing, with my help. I could not stop shaking, I was barely breathing, and I was just so scared. But he held me next to him. He had one arm around my shoulders and held my other had with his free hand. It was pretty amazing. We ended up lying on the bed talking for a bit. Then he took me to see his new apartment that he would be moving in to the next day with his dad. Won’t go in to details after that.
But then the next day, after he grabbed some of his things from the apartment, and after he was helping unload the truck, he and I had to take our dog Viggo, to the humane society. L I can’t stay in my apt. anymore since it is getting foreclosed on. And I can’t afford to stay in a place that will allow me to keep him, so we had to take him in. it was awful. We both cried. Viggo was our dog for 10 months. And as destructive as he was, he was an amazing, lovable, friendly dog. And I will miss him dearly.
After taking Viggo to the pound, Joshua and I got ready and he was my date to a Halloween party. He went at a pimp devil, with black slacks on, a red suit shirt, suspenders, a tie, a devils mask, fedora hat, and a pimp cane. He was so fricking cute I loved it! And I was his fallen angel. I wore a black skirt, black shirt, black ripped up leggings, black boots, black wings, and I wore dark make up and fake lip rings and other piercings. It was a very cute couple’s thing. And for that night, even though he got drunk, I had my Joshua back; my dorky, lovable, happy Joshua. He was touchy, he kissed me, he danced with me, and he was talking about the next year’s party and how he was already planning what he was going to wear and what he and I would do. It made me so excited.
If things don’t work out between him and I, as pathetic as it may sound, I really feel like I will have nothing to live for. I want his kids, I want to marry him, and I want to grow old with him. As hurt as I know he is, I need him to forgive me and be with me again. I also need to forgive myself.
I know it won’t be the same. But I think after all of this it will be better. It will be a mature relationship. One where we can really appreciate what we have in each other. One where we will actually work through everything together rather than one person trying and one person not caring. But I really just need him. I need him to try with me now. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
Oh. I did forget to mention the cat! Well, the new one that is. Z died a few moths ago. It was a kind of a slightly tragic experience for me. We had to take Z to the vet at 10 pm because he was really sick. Well, he died in my lap on the way there. It was very, very sad. But just a week before Joshua and I broke up this last (and hopefully final) time, he and I got a kitten from his coworker at Wal-Mart. He is an orange, striped tabby kitten named Wren. He is a total sweet heart. But unfortunately, he is totally nocturnal. And when I’m trying to sleep he is trying to play. The little brat. But I love him dearly and he is just a blast to watch. He is so funny! And for a cat, he is slightly uncoordinated.
Oh Oh Oh! And on top of Club Whim, my friends Tina and Diane and I have discovered the best place ever! It’s called Saddle Ridge. It is a country club in the same plaza as Whim. LOVE IT! We line dance all night long! It is great exercise! And the cowboys are pretty Damn hot!
But yeah. That has been my 21st year old life. Well, most of it anyway. It has been really crazy. And really very shitty. I lost everything that means the most to me. And I’m not sure I can get it back, no matter how hard I try. My parents are splitting up, I lost my boyfriend, I lost a good friend, I gave up my future marriage, I had to give up my dog, and now I have two weeks to move out of my home for the last year. If ANYONE has any advice for me, please share it. I could use some good advice about this. Please. I love Joshua more than anything in the world. I need help.
So after my last post, just before Thanksgiving, I had just moved out and was working on things with Joshua. Since then, things have gone from bad, to good, to worse, to fantastic, to cataclysmic. And now I’m in Limbo.
To start, Joshua and I were doing pretty well. Like I said we had hit a rough patch and we were working through it together. We had Thanksgiving together like every year; we had XMAS together like every year. And on top of that, during his breaks, he lived with me. He would come home to me first. Un-pack, most of the time we would just spend the first night cuddling together then go see his family the next day. And it was pretty fantastic. I couldn’t have asked for a better holiday break. We even got a dog together! We were going to get a dog from the humane society by our mall, but we had to get Z the cat checked up first since it’s the law that you can’t have multiple animals without having them caught up on rabies and other shots. So we took Z to the vet. We had mentioned something about getting a dog from the pound and all of a sudden she was super friendly and introduced us to Viggo. He was an all black Lab/ Boarder Collie/ German shepherd mix. He was gorgeous. And friendly! Oh my god he was so friendly. But he was really hyper. Josh fell in love instantly. I was a little more hesitant because I had my heart set on the dog from the pound but a small walk with him; we ended up taking Z AND Viggo home with us. He was a lot to handle for a few days. And mostly josh took care of him. But he was great. And just what I wanted in a dog. So Josh and I had our own family…sort of. Haha.
Then he left the day before my 21st birthday, as usual. L It was a good birthday. But I don’t think I have been able to spend a single birthday with him since we’ve been together. Well…that’s a lie. He did come down for my 19th birthday. He came down the day of and surprised me, stayed the night with me at my parents’ house, and then left the next night. He didn’t even go see his own family. But anyway. It was a good birthday. I got my Fluery hockey jersey! And I drank! Haha I got relatively drunk. Not awful puking my guts out drunk. But I had a nice buzz drunk going.
After that night things got in to a routine again. If I wasn’t at work, I was either at home with Viggo, the maniac dog, or I was out with Mercedes, the roommate (the only one I had after February since Tasha moved out), or I was out with my mom and her friends drinking. After a while though, at work people started asking me to hang out. One guy in particular, Jason. Jason was a coworker of mine in the security dept of Boscov’s. And he was a pretty good friend of mine. He was funny and really nice. We started just hanging out on our lunch breaks. Then we started hanging out outside of work at the Texas Roadhouse after work with others, or at Applebee’s. Then we started watching movies at my place. And then I was crying to him every time josh and I got in to a fight. As you can imagine, we became very close. Over the months he became my best friend. And I developed a little crush. Josh didn’t talk to me all that much, when we did talk things were just kind of boring and nothing seemed right. We fought a lot. It just never seemed like we were going to make it through to his graduation. And Jason was kind to me; he did anything to make me smile; he was my crying shoulder; he was sometimes a better friend than Mercedes since she was constantly telling me to leave Joshua and I didn’t want to hear it. Jason kind of kept his thoughts to himself for the most part.
But life went on. Jason was my best friend, Mercedes was my roommate, and Joshua was my absentee fiancé.
Once Tasha moved out, we had to rely on Joshua who started paying her portion of the rent. He helped me pay for Viggo’s food, since I was barely making enough to eat myself. He really helped a lot. So I guess I excused him for not being there emotionally it felt like.
Once April hit though, it was made painfully obvious that he was not completely there. He was getting shorter and shorter in his temper with me, he was not talking to me as much, we were arguing about everything. So I got it in to my head to snoop through his facebook page. I had his password, and I was constantly on it messing with little things like his info and the like. But this time I went in to his messages. You all know the saying “Eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves”? Yeah well, snoopers never find out anything good. I ended up finding out that he had become just as good of friends with a girl as I had with Jason. The only difference you may ask? Well, my fiancé had made out with her and stayed the night in her room.
Oh god, that was an awful week. I was ready to just jump off a bridge. It’s times like those that really make the pathetic come out of a person. I sat there all week and wanted to know what was so wrong with me that my FIANCE felt he needed to kiss another girl? Why was this happening to me again? Hadn’t I been through enough with this guy? Didn’t I deserve some sort of happiness with him? I LOVE him for crying out loud. I love him with every fiber of my being, every breath in my lungs, every beat of my absolutely shattered heart. And I still do. So we fought that week. We fought, and I cried, and he yelled, and I yelled, and he cried, and things were just bad. Really, really bad. Like, they had never ever been so god awful. But in the end, in the very end, we decided to keep going. To keep trying because, let’s face it, he made a mistake and so did I. We both wanted the other to be our forever.
So we moved on. And graduation came around and I went up with his mom and aunt. I stayed with him in his dorm that night. Then that day, we met up with his father and went. And my fiancé graduated in the top 10% of his graduating class. He finished a 4 year degree in 3 years. I was so proud I cried! After the ceremony we all went out to eat and drive home.
On the way home, Joshua and I were talking about life. And what we planned on doing, and things about our wedding and things wanted to do.
While we were talking about things we wanted to do, how Joshua wanted to be a teacher or so something along those lines, he asked me what it was I really wanted to do. Apparently I never spoke about criminal justice as passionately as he spoke about math and teaching. So he never really thought it was something I wanted to do. And it really got me thinking. Is it really something I want to do? I mean, I really think I’d do well. But is that going to be enough? Well that’s something I’m still thinking about. Over the summer I was looking in to going back to school for special education. But I don’t think that will be it either. I really have no clue what it is I want to do with my life. But as important as that is, it’s not a priority right now so I haven’t been worrying about it so much.
But a few weeks later, something happened that will change not only my life, but that of my entire family. My parents got in to a HUGE fight. And my mom, after years of being put through some pretty bad things, finally decided that it was time to end things with my dad. FINALLY! It’s only been 21 years in the making. But it is sad. And as much as I know it’s the right thing to do, I’m still having a lot of problems dealing with it. My parents have been together for 22+ years. For them to not be together anymore, it’s really hard. And I think that may have been part of my problem over the summer. One of the reasons things happened the way it did.
After a while of dealing with getting over the hurt of my parents splitting up and after dealing with my own relationship problems, I was still unconvinced. But I was still happy. Very extremely happy. I was finally putting wedding plans in to action. I took my mom to see the dress I wanted. I was looking in to real decorations. I started planning center pieces and trying to order flowers and everything. My mom was helping me, Mercedes was helping me, and even Joshua was helping me. I even took my family and looked in to a venue for the wedding ceremony. It was nice. But still not something I wanted.
Then, two days later, two days after being all wedding jittery, and only day after planning on going to a new club in Pittsburgh with Mercedes, Kevin, Larry, and Jason, I found it. I found the one thing I knew was out there but could never prove existed. I found a journal entry on Joshua’s computer. I was playing on it reading his poetry and looking through all the pictures he’s taken over the years. And all of a sudden, I found a file called Journal. And even though I knew I should wait and ask him if it was ok, I went through it. I mean, really. Joshua never had a problem with me reading his journal. When we were first dating he threw it at me and told me to read it and realize what I was getting myself in to. So I didn’t really see the problem. Except, there was a reason he had a journal on his computer and not in his usual book. That would be because he had journal entries about me. Things he couldn’t stand about me; things he hated about me; him trying to talk himself out of dumping me. And the worst of all, there was a journal entry about him sleeping with another girl when we were fighting 2 years before. I lost it. I was PISSED!
So the next night, when I was going to Club Whim with my friends, I decided that, you know what? If Joshua can do that, then there is no reason for me not to. If Joshua can break his promise to me, so can I. So I went out with the intention of being as slutty as possible, having a good time, maybe getting drunk, and hey, even trying to seduce Kevin in to bed with me (which never happened). I was trying to hurt Joshua as badly as he had hurt me.
I was having a blast! I was dancing with Mercedes, and dancing with guys who thought I was freaking hot! They didn’t think I needed to lose 10 lbs because my face was too chubby. They didn’t think I needed to lose anything. They just wanted to dance. And yeah, some of them wanted to get lucky. Some of them tried hard too. It was pretty funny. All in all it was a fantastic night. Then I noticed that Jason was not on the floor. He was outside on the club’s deck. So I went to talk to him. And he asked me how things were going. Then, he asked if he could do something. I was pretty sure I knew what he was going to do, because he just kept looking at me with this look in his eyes, like I was dessert or something. And it’s Jason, come on. That crush that I had? It never really went away. So I told him sure he could. And….he kissed me. And holy cow. It was new and pretty awesome. And then he did it again.
Unfortunately, I was so pissed off at Joshua still, that I didn’t bother to stop it. And the next night, when I saw my fiancé again, I decided to break up with him. I decided that, it was for the best. Obviously I didn’t love him anymore or I wouldn’t have let that happen. Obviously things weren’t working out because he had sex with someone else. So I decided to break up with Josh and see where things would go with Jason. Bad idea. For the next four months Joshua and I were on again, off again almost every week. He moved out 4 times. We became roommates once. We ended our engagement completely. He re-proposed. That ended. All the while, I never stopped hanging out with Jason. We had sex once together, we made out, and we stayed at the other’s place. It was a bad, bad, BAD situation. And just over three weeks ago, Joshua and I finally broke up for good.
He moved out, we stopped talking, he was pissed, I was pissed. It was just a really bad, and actually very sad, situation. On top of that, as much as I had a good time with Jason, and as strong as my feelings were for him, I realized that those feelings, were definitely not love. I felt only love as a friend toward Jason. I hurt him. I hurt Joshua. I hurt me. So I decided to “break up” with Jason. He was just not Joshua. He wasn’t the guy I love. As shitty as I was to Joshua, as much as I thought I wanted to be single and be free and not answer to anyone, I realized, I LOVE JOSHUA! I am so in love with this kid that it isn’t even funny. But now, he’s already gone. It’s only two weeks after a break up and I am finally realizing something that I should have realized months ago. I should have forgiven him and moved on with life. I should NEVER have let Jason kiss me again at the club. And I should have been a better person.
Well, I started talking to Joshua again. Against everyone’s advice. I was trying to get my friend back first. That wasn’t working. So a few days ago, I left a card on his car, a card that said how much I missed him, just much more eloquently than I could say it myself. That night I ended up going to his mom’s house where he was staying. I ended up pathetically pouring my heart out to him, telling him I was sorry, telling him how much I missed him, how I can’t be without him. I sat there on the floor in his bedroom, and cried and talked and explained, and sobbed.
When I was done talking, he just kind of sat there and looked at the floor and didn’t say anything for a while. So I took that as he didn’t want me there, that he had really made up his mind that he didn’t want me. So I got up to leave and as soon as I got up he grabbed me and sat me next to him on the bed. You know when you get jittery and your leg is shaking up and down? That’s what my legs were doing, with my help. I could not stop shaking, I was barely breathing, and I was just so scared. But he held me next to him. He had one arm around my shoulders and held my other had with his free hand. It was pretty amazing. We ended up lying on the bed talking for a bit. Then he took me to see his new apartment that he would be moving in to the next day with his dad. Won’t go in to details after that.
But then the next day, after he grabbed some of his things from the apartment, and after he was helping unload the truck, he and I had to take our dog Viggo, to the humane society. L I can’t stay in my apt. anymore since it is getting foreclosed on. And I can’t afford to stay in a place that will allow me to keep him, so we had to take him in. it was awful. We both cried. Viggo was our dog for 10 months. And as destructive as he was, he was an amazing, lovable, friendly dog. And I will miss him dearly.
After taking Viggo to the pound, Joshua and I got ready and he was my date to a Halloween party. He went at a pimp devil, with black slacks on, a red suit shirt, suspenders, a tie, a devils mask, fedora hat, and a pimp cane. He was so fricking cute I loved it! And I was his fallen angel. I wore a black skirt, black shirt, black ripped up leggings, black boots, black wings, and I wore dark make up and fake lip rings and other piercings. It was a very cute couple’s thing. And for that night, even though he got drunk, I had my Joshua back; my dorky, lovable, happy Joshua. He was touchy, he kissed me, he danced with me, and he was talking about the next year’s party and how he was already planning what he was going to wear and what he and I would do. It made me so excited.
If things don’t work out between him and I, as pathetic as it may sound, I really feel like I will have nothing to live for. I want his kids, I want to marry him, and I want to grow old with him. As hurt as I know he is, I need him to forgive me and be with me again. I also need to forgive myself.
I know it won’t be the same. But I think after all of this it will be better. It will be a mature relationship. One where we can really appreciate what we have in each other. One where we will actually work through everything together rather than one person trying and one person not caring. But I really just need him. I need him to try with me now. So keep your fingers crossed for me.
Oh. I did forget to mention the cat! Well, the new one that is. Z died a few moths ago. It was a kind of a slightly tragic experience for me. We had to take Z to the vet at 10 pm because he was really sick. Well, he died in my lap on the way there. It was very, very sad. But just a week before Joshua and I broke up this last (and hopefully final) time, he and I got a kitten from his coworker at Wal-Mart. He is an orange, striped tabby kitten named Wren. He is a total sweet heart. But unfortunately, he is totally nocturnal. And when I’m trying to sleep he is trying to play. The little brat. But I love him dearly and he is just a blast to watch. He is so funny! And for a cat, he is slightly uncoordinated.
Oh Oh Oh! And on top of Club Whim, my friends Tina and Diane and I have discovered the best place ever! It’s called Saddle Ridge. It is a country club in the same plaza as Whim. LOVE IT! We line dance all night long! It is great exercise! And the cowboys are pretty Damn hot!
But yeah. That has been my 21st year old life. Well, most of it anyway. It has been really crazy. And really very shitty. I lost everything that means the most to me. And I’m not sure I can get it back, no matter how hard I try. My parents are splitting up, I lost my boyfriend, I lost a good friend, I gave up my future marriage, I had to give up my dog, and now I have two weeks to move out of my home for the last year. If ANYONE has any advice for me, please share it. I could use some good advice about this. Please. I love Joshua more than anything in the world. I need help.
